Author Kerri Golding Oransky and Illustrator Jason Oransky

Illustrator Jason Oranksy leading a drawing activity for the kids

Do what you can to quell the flood of emotions.  In the above scenario, you may want to reassure the child that “It’s tricky learning how to tie a shoe. You will get it though. Would you like me to help?”

Stay close to your child if you can. To be left alone with such strong emotions can be frightening to children.  Let your presence be a calming influence while he’s experiencing such intense emotions.

Give your child space if he needs it but don’t leave him completely alone. If you sense that being too close is only making him react more intensely (perhaps he yells “Don’t look at me!” or  “Get off of me!”)  In this case, move away but stay nearby where he can at least see you.

Touch your child gently if he allows it. Try hugging or stroking to calm him down. Let him put his head in your lap or lean against you; whisper soothing words to him like, “Mommy’s right here. You’re going to be OK.” Try to remain calm even if he keeps crying.

After ten or fifteen minutes, use a firm but gentle voice and tell him to stop. If your child has not pulled himself out of the flood in about 15 minutes, tell your child “You are flooded. It’s time to stop now”. Show your child how to take a series of slow, deep breaths to regain his composure.  Breathe together while saying “Breathe with me. You can do it”.

Don’t allow him to do anything destructive during his tantrum, no matter how upset he is. Make sure he knows ahead of time what is acceptable and unacceptable. Hurting himself, others, or property are all unacceptable behaviors. After he calms down, give consequences if he has broken any rules.

Talk afterwards and help your child identify the feelings that brought on his tantrum. Help him devise a plan for next time, like letting you know when he’s feeling overtired or in need of a break. Be on the look-out for situations that could trigger him, and do what you can to stop things before they get out of hand.  Often a trigger for spillover tantrums  is not getting sufficient sleep. If your child has difficulties sleeping, he may be experiencing nightmares.  Check out How Zac Got His Z’s: A Guide to Getting Rid of Nightmares to help improve your child’s sleep patterns and ultimately, help decrease tantrums.

Isaac is a nine year old boy who came to see me for challenges he was having at home and at school.  Among other things, Isaac reported that he had a nightmare nearly every night.  He was so afraid of this nightmare that he wouldn’t sleep in his own bed. Instead, he slept in a pallet at the foot of his parents bed.  As you can imagine, this was distressing for both his parents and Isaac.  When I first met Isaac, he was pretty sullen and off-putting.  He had a negative, hopeless outlook on life and this certainly spilled over into his dreams.  After reading How Zac Got His Z’s: A Guide to Getting Rid of Nightmares, Isaac told me that the solution wouldn’t work.   He told me that the monster that came to him in his dreams was “darkness and evil given form “. (Did I mention Isaac is a pretty bright kid?) When I suggested that he  try to lock up the monster, Isaac told me that wasn’t possible because he was invisible.  I suggested putting powder on the monster so you could see his form, but Isaac told me that wouldn’t work either.  He told me all you could see was his eyes.  Here is a picture of the nightmare that Isaac was having.

Pretty creepy, huh?  I’m sure I would have trouble sleeping if that monster haunted my dreams every night too.

Isaac was a bit of a challenge.  He was convinced that nothing would work. He rejected every suggestion that I gave him to help him feel safe in his dream.  He refused to even try drawing a solution.  Fast forward about a month.  We met weekly and really began to develop a rapport.  I could see that Isaac was beginning to feel better about himself, but he still reported nightmares and wasn’t sleeping in his own bed.  I told Isaac that I’d been thinking about his dream and had come up with an idea that I thought might work.  I suggested that since the monster was darkness and evil given form, maybe what we needed was the opposite of that–goodness and light.  So I suggested that Isaac draw all the things that brought him joy and happiness, all the “good” in his world.  This is what Isaac came up with. Click on the thumbnail to see a larger image.

I thought Isaac did an amazing job.  As you can see, he included his favorite foods, video games, his blanket “Frogsy, and even his parents  (they sure were pleased to see that they made the cut!)  I sent Isaac home with the picture and hoped for the best. I was still a little skeptical given Isaac’s previous resistance,  but since I knew the nightmare solution was so effective I was cautiously optimistic.

Isaac came back two weeks later after a family vacation to the beach.  I asked Isaac if the nightmares were gone and to my delight he said YES! He even told me he was sleeping in his own bed!   I was so happy to learn that once again, How Zac Got His Z’s: A Guide to Getting Rid of Nightmares helped another child get rid of his bad dreams!   Has the book helped get rid of your child’s bad dream?  Please share!

Be sure to remain calm. The key to handling temper tantrums is to remain calm. Remember that you are modeling behavior for your child.  If you throw a tantrum as well, you are teaching your child that it is okay to yell and scream. A good rule of thumb to remember: For every second you remain engaged in a power struggle with your child, you drop in chronological age.  You may start out in your mid-twenties, but the longer you argue, the closer to your child’s age you become.  With modeling in mind, try taking some deep breaths to calm down.

Empathize while setting clear limits.  Explain to the child that if he continues to fuss and scream, he will lose a privilege.  This is heard best when the child feels understood.  Tell your child “I know you’re upset right now because you can’t get that toy.  Acting like this will not get me to change my mind.  If you are not able to calm down, you won’t be able to watch TV later”.

Remove the audience. Do not give your child attention for engaging in inappropriate behavior. If you are at home, simply ignore the outburst and let your child cry it out. Go into another room and let your child continue to tantrum without the benefit of an audience.  If you are in public, you may need  to leave, even if you haven’t finished your shopping.  This might mean taking a time out in the car, or leaving the establishment entirely.  Leaving a shopping cart full of groceries may be embarrassing and is certainly an inconvenience, but you will see that it means less trouble in the long run.   You are showing your child that this behavior is unacceptable and that there are consequences for this type of behavior.

Stick to your guns. Be sure that you enforce whatever limit it is that you set. Even if the child promises to behave better next time or throws another tantrum when you take away the privilege, you must stick to the consequence.  This teaches your child that your word can be trusted and that you will be consistent.

Stay tuned for Part II of How to Handle Temper Tantrums in Toddlers on the second type of tantrum- the spillover tantrum

1. Use white noise.

White noise can be helpful to drown out distracting noises such as the ringing of a telephone or barking of a dog.  You can purchase a white noise machine, or simply turn on a ceiling fan or air purifier.  White noise, when used consistently, will become a cue for sleep.

2 Make sure it’s dark enough.

If there is too much light in your child’s room, it will be difficult for your child to wind down .  Our biological clock (also known as circadian rhythm) is set so that light equals awake time and dark equals sleep time.  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being dark, your child’s room should be around an 8 or a 9.  To achieve this, consider purchasing black out shades.  You can also temporarily tack up a heavy blanket or poster board to keep light out.  If your child expresses fear of the dark, a small nightlight can be used to help alleviate this fear.

3. Make sure the temperature is comfortable.

Just as with adults, if the room is too hot or too cold, a child will have a difficult time falling asleep.  While everyone has their own preference for the right temperature, sleep research has shown that cooler temperatures are more conducive to sleep. Temperatures between 60-70 degrees tend to be the most comfortable. This may seem counter-intuitive, but it actually makes very good sense.  Our circadian rhythm is regulated not just by light, but also by temperature. Our body temperature drops when we are sleeping. Therefore, cooler temperatures mimic our bodies natural temperature drop and helps us to achieve optimal sleep.